Chapter 7



Chapter 7



In June 1940 Alexandrina began to fear that the authorities wanted to remove her director. There are hints that Jesus was preparing her little by little for this great blow.   Let us look at some pages of letters to Fr Pinho:

I feel as if they removed my dear spiritual Father from me forever. Will it be so?  For charity’s sake tell me something as soon as possible, and if I am to be made to suffer. (...)   

Jesus wants my pain (it was for this reason that she had offered herself as victim), but surely He does not want my dear spiritual Father, my sole comfort on earth, to be taken from me. 

Woe is me! What a tremendous tribulation! How sad it is my life, how sad is my life! C (8-6-40)  

Let us suffer! Meanwhile let us not delay to cling closer to Jesus and to our celestial Mother, asking Her with all our heart and soul that He transform the hearts of the authorities, that the divine word be fulfilled, and that He does not leave His poor blind daughter alone, without guide and support. C (12-6-40)   

I feel that my Father suffers. I feel the instrument with which he is wounded. I feel acutely that that pain will wound him until the end of his days. C (29-11-40) 

Jesus intervenes to help Fr Pinho, who suffers very much, by telling Alexandrina in ecstasies:

Ask him if he does not want me to use his pain to pardon sinners, and for the salvation of the world. C (14-3-41)

Tell him that Jesus is with him, that Jesus conquers in him, that Jesus guides him, that Jesus defends him, that Jesus loves him. C (21-3-41)   

Tell him that he must have confidence, that he is doing my divine will in everything, that it is the love that I have for him that compels Me to immolate him in union with you. C (7-6-41) 

Tell him that I am on fire with love for him and tell him that I want him to be a martyr of suffering and of love on earth. C (14-11-41) 

At the beginning of 1942, Jesus spoke clearly to Alexandrina. 

Prepare yourself for the fight, my daughter: you have to fight alone, seemingly. After the battle comes the glory. (...) You will not have light: it will seem that you are walking alone, but it is not the case. I do not abandon my beloved: I always follow you with your spiritual father and your dear heavenly Mother, even though you do not sense our presence. C (2-1-42)  

The farewell and the Alexandrina’s reaction

The 7th January 1942 was stamped on Alexandrina’s soul as the day of the leave-taking of her father spiritual: they would never see one another again!  But Alexandrina did not yet know of the prohibition against her being directed by Fr Pinho. He was to communicate this information to her by letter which would not arrive until 20th February. She didn’t know, but she ‘felt’ that something very serious was taking place, she “felt” the violence of the separation instigated by her director’s superiors. Two days after that visit she wrote to him: 

My father, light has gone from the world. (...) Death took possession of all my being. (...) In vain do I attempt to ask for help from the Heaven: everything is death, everything is death.  And I am permanently nailed to the cross with opened arms (...) My soul seems to have been torn into little pieces. C (9-1-42) 

I am afraid of living without any support: I have lost everything, on earth and in Heaven. C (15-1-42)   

I suffer with a crushing pain, but it does not matter if I am thrown out like a dirty rag, abandoned and despised by all.  I find it strange that among the Reverend Priests (the superiors of Fr Pinho) there be so much “thing” - I say “thing” because I don’t know the word to use.  However, I desire only that Jesus pardons them, because by me they are already pardoned. C (17-1-42)

It is useless, my father, to tell me that you do not suffer. I don’t need witnesses: the perceptions of my soul are enough for me.  I feel that you, my father, are humiliated, are crushed, and that they brandish false accusations in your face.  

And, my greatest anguish is that I feel that I am the cause of all that suffering, the whole weight of that cross. (…)  

Pray for me, when this (letter) arrives to your hands. 

Or, perhaps they will not allow me to write to your Reverence, or you, my father, to write to me!  Oh my God, oh my God, give peace to our afflicted souls. C (21-1-42)  

At the beginning of an ecstasy of the Passion, Jesus comforted her: 

Courage! Your Jesus follows you, even if in secret, hidden, without you hearing Him, or being aware of Him. Your spiritual father supports you: he will always be the light and guide of your soul. Since I chose him for you, he will always be your father on the earth and in Heaven. C (30-1-42)  

I feel that Jesus does not want me to take another director, a new guide for my soul.  It is not, dear Father, by nature that he attracts me; oh, no, God be praised: I feel that is not so! Infinite thanks be given to Heaven: no natural force attracts me to any person on earth. Today, if Jesus came to take me to Him, I would go gladly. I feel that my Father is entwined with my heart, but with the threads of Jesus, the threads of His divine love. There is nothing of the mundane. Thanks without ceasing to Jesus! C (4-2-42)

Yesterday, it was already night and I was unable to breathe because of sorrows and fears: I asked that they move my bed in front of the window (from which the tower of the church could be seen). Heaven sparkled with shining stars. For me there was no smile. 

“How beautiful is this place! ”, I said: from where I lay I could look for my Heavenly Father who was in the tabernacle, and for my spiritual Father who was in Braga (Alexandrina did not yet know that he had been transferred to Macieira de Cambra). 

Copious tears had begun to flow down my cheeks. I cried, I cried bitterly. 

Jesus, Jesus, O love of the Eucharist, console Yourself in my bitterness (because a victim soul saves souls) and comfort my spiritual father, because he is suffering for my sake and I do not want that to happen.

My Jesus, wash the souls of sinners in my tears: they are tears of love drawn out by pain. (...) 

My father, pardon me and bless me for the great suffering I have caused your Reverence! C (6-2-42)

Satan profited from this situation to torment her still more and instilled in her the fear of being deprived of Holy Communion. She found relief in her Diary:  

Men tried to dissuade me from my purpose, they removed that which served as relief, that which could give comfort! (...) I open my poor heart to You: only You can read what is written there in pain and blood, only You can understand and evaluate my suffering. The world is unaware of it, men do not understand anything. Let me say to You what You said to your Eternal Father: “Forgive them, my Jesus, because they know not what they do!” They are poor blind men, they lack your divine light. Enlighten them all, and to all give your love. 

O Jesus, all my presentiments have become realities. Will men be able to forbid me to receive You sacramentally? Woe is me! This would be the blow that would take away my life, if You, with your divine power, do not preserve it.

May they say what they have said, may they do what they have done, but they will never be able to destroy this close union I have with You. To deprive me of my sacramental Jesus? Yes, I do not doubt that they would try to do it - to remove from my heart the richest Treasure that I adore, that I love above all things, the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit; never, never will men get it: By doing this they would make me live without heart and without soul. Impossible!

Let the force of the entire world come, let it all bank up against me; let it try to separate me from this Infinite Greatness, this Infinite Love. Never!

On Friday, 20th February 1942, as she finished the ecstasy of the Passion, Fr Pinho’s letter was delivered to Alexandrina. As we have said, it told her clearly about how he had been prohibited from directing her. But during the ecstasy she had already felt the abandonment. 

I walked with my face almost touching the earth (on the way of Cross); here and there I fell. I wounded myself painfully. I was covered in blood. 

What fear, what terror even, when I reminded myself that in a little while I would be crucified without being comforted by anyone on earth! 

But Your divine love helped me; you came to meet me. 

— My daughter, human aid is wanting; Have courage! Divine aid will always be waiting for you (...) Courage, courage, my beloved love-sick daughter! Your Jesus, your heavenly Mother and your Father follow you, assist you in intimate union. (...) 

One more proof of your infinite love, my Jesus! You agreed that Dr. Azevedo not only take care of alleviating the pains of my body, but that he also alleviated the deep pain of my soul. You, who know everything, used him to prepare my heart to receive the last blow. Thank you, my Jesus! There is another thing I don’t know how to say. Let me repeat with You: “My soul is sorrowful even unto death! 

I have lost the light, I have lost everything. Bless me and pardon me, my Love”. S (20-2-42)  

The following day, Alexandrina wrote to Dr. Azevedo: 

Yesterday, when you went away, I remained a little more comforted: I had more courage for the fight. The Lord used you, Senhor Doctor, to prepare me to receive the last blow of the spear. (...) My heart began to fail (when reading Fr Pinho’s letter). At times it seemed to me that it would stop beating altogether. I yearn to go to Heaven, but I would not like to die like that. I would like the death that Jesus chooses to give me, not one engineered by men: I would not like to leave them with the guilt of having taken my life from me.  My tears were of resignation and in the interior of my heart I asked Jesus to pardon them. (L d)

Alexandrina was to write later to Fr Pinho describing the tragic moment when she read his letter: 

It was a half past six in afternoon; the mail was delivered to me. Among it I saw a letter that came from my Father. I took it in my hands. My arms seemed to break, all the blood seemed to freeze in my veins; I did not have the strength to open it. 

I thought to myself: Whatever it says I must look at it! O my Jesus, I accept everything for Your love and to win souls to You.  I began to read it. The tears did not let me read readily; but they were tears of complete resignation. 

It seemed to me that a lance pierced my heart, that it was rent from top to bottom. Already some days have passed and still I feel in the same state. In the beginning I weakened, it seemed to me that I would even lose my life. Inwardly I said: I forgive all who have caused my death. (...) My tears, and my request that Jesus pardon them, is my only revenge. (...) 

I agreed. Obedience, holy obedience, oh, how much I love it! My Father does not want to disobey and I do not want him to disobey. Rather all the sufferings in the world than the smallest offence to Jesus. Those who obey, do His divine will; they do wrong whose commands do not conform to His divines desires! It is what has happened in this case. Men try to oppose Jesus’ will: this is what I feel in my soul.  

I am almost crazed with pain. My heart runs about like the small bird which can find nowhere to settle: I am in a most painful martyrdom. (...) 

I will call you “my spiritual father” on earth and in Heaven. (...) 

I do not mind that the world hates me and has nothing but disdain for me. I only have pain and I use it to beg mercy for those who must know Our Lord better but are blind to his work, they do not understand anything; let them be the first ones to abandon this earth for the Cause of Our Lord. 

Let us wait and let us trust: Jesus will not leave his poor daughter to die without bringing her together again with her spiritual father. C (23-2-42)   

On the contrary, she will not see him again, on this Earth! But the hope of doing so will be of some help to her up until her last moment.

Fr Pinho’s letters to Alexandrina  

As a consequence of malignant insinuations against Fr Pinho, in part excited by envious female neighbours, his Superiors ask Alexandrina to hand over the letters that he had sent to her. 

Let us quote two extracts from her Diaries: 

Jesus, give me your divine strength: I want to hide my pain; and without your strength I will never manage to do that. (Jesus exhorts her always to live with joy in the midst of her pain; she always manages to achieve this, but with what heroic efforts.)

My heart cries night and day, but as this is what You want, my eyes are joyful and my lips smiling.  May Your holy love and the good of all souls be the foundation of my suffering. (...)

O Jesus, I did not know that I had still as much to give You! How great is my ignorance! I thought that I had already given You everything. I deceived myself.  You have now come to make the final harvest. Harvest everything. Harvest quickly and harvest me last of all for Yourself. On the 20th I gave You my spiritual father unconditionally, until such time as You want to give him back to me. (All communication with him finished then.)

On the 24th I gave You all the correspondence that I had from him, which served me as light and directed me on Your behalf. You know well how great was the sacrifice, not for the attachment that I had to the letters, but for being asked for them when I was in such pain.  When I took them in my hands to bundle them together I tied them with a wire. Did You hear, my Love, what I was saying?

 “Jesus gave them to me, Jesus is taking them away.” (vide Job, 1.21)

When handing them over I thought I would never see them again (or so she believed, but they were to be restored to her 15 days later), and it seemed that all my body trembled. But, wanting to make me strong, I kept murmuring: “Is not my Jesus worthy of more than this? Everything is so little for Him who loves me and gave everything for me; everything is so little if souls are saved for Him”. 

After this, I asked that my picture be taken off the wall (it had been taken by Fr Pinho). This, my Jesus, You can evaluate as little or nothing: I did not have the least esteem for it. (...)  My Jesus, it costs so much to become an instrument of suffering for others! S (27-2-42)

Jesus, I will avenge myself on those who made me suffer so much, and I will do it with all my strength. Do You know how, my Love? With fervent prayers, with all my sacrifices, so that they will come to know You and love You. If they loved You as You want, they would not behave like this. Forgive them, my Jesus. Me, without You, without your grace, I see myself capable of much more than what they say about me. If You left me for only a moment, it would be enough for me to commit the greatest crimes.

I can only be thankful to those who humiliate me and wound me: they have opened up a new way for me to follow You more closely, with a more perfect love. (...)

To You, my Jesus, I have already given myself as a slave and I continue to give myself. (…) 

And my life of illusions continues too. Will they give me back my spiritual father? Will he come today, will he come tomorrow? My Jesus, I did not commit any crime. I suffer in innocence, I suffer for Your love, I suffer to give You souls. 

I would rather suffer my entire life in innocence than to suffer a single moment with guilt. S (13-3-42)

Fr Pinho exiled to Brazil

Not only will her spiritual father not return to her, but they will soon send him to exile in Brazil! He was to start out on 20th February 1946, but already in 1945 the first intimations of his expulsion appear. 

A friend gave me the sad news that my spiritual father was to go abroad, but this person did not know for certain if this was actually true or not. When I heard this, it was as if a sharp dagger pierced my heart and took my life. S (14-12-45)

Then a new dagger came to plunge itself in the same wound: an anonymous letter came to ask me for prayers for my spiritual father, and to confirm his departure for Brazil!  My body trembled and my blood froze in my veins! It is impossible to tell of the pain in my heart. But this time I did not cry: it was agonizing, but a force coming from I do not know where, compelled me to smile. 

I set my eyes on Jesus and His heavenly Mother, and said to Them: “I accept, I accept, but help me, look after me!” 

As the hours passed the storm rose in ferocity. 

My soul remained in great serenity and peace, but the tears slid in my face: I offered them to Jesus as acts of love. I told Him that I accepted and trusted, and that He was blessed on earth and in Heaven. 

I prayed the Magnificat again and left Him to crucify me more securely on the cross. S (21-12-45)

We now come to January 1946. 

While I waited, with insupportable anxiety after 4 years of separation, the coming of my spiritual father to give me light and to guide me on the spiritual path, it was from here and there that I was told of his departure for Brazil! (...) what a great fight! (...) S (25-1-46)

Alexandrina “feels” already next the departure of her spiritual father: 

People continue to talk about the departure of my spiritual father.  All the time I feel around me a furious sea, a howling wind, and the most frightful storm batters me. (...)

I had suffered what my father suffered in making his farewell to his friends, which he did in Fatima. And I suffered for the suffering of my family, especially my sister (Fr Pinho was her director too, vide note 1). 

At the same moment a hand settled on my head: it gave me the strength to be resilient amid so many pains. 

In spirit I hugged the cross and said to Jesus: 

“May the pain be pain for me and love for You! May this embrace be an eternal embrace!” 

In the middle of all this, I felt myself like a bomb about to explode. (…) 

The pain continues blindly, but with the certainty that it goes towards the door of salvation; but that is not yet, not here – here it has no certainty of finding anything. S (17-2-46)

The departure took place on 20th February 1946. Only two days later did she manage to dictate something: 

I will not be able erase the 20th (February) from my memory; the day of the departure of my dear spiritual father to Brazil.  

What Jesus asked of me! I did not wait long. On the morning of that day, soon after Holy Communion, I asked Jesus repeatedly if he had sailed or not, and He did not give me any reply. But even so I kept up my confidence against all hope. Our Lord sent me somebody (Fr Umberto Pasquale, who had directed her since 1944; vide Ch. 13) to solace and comfort me and to prepare me for what was to happen. 

When I began to pray, I did not know how to offer my prayers. Should I ask Jesus to work a miracle so that my spiritual father would not go? Or should I be thanking Him for so great a grace? Or that my spiritual father would have a good trip? (...)

I prayed so much, so many prayers of petition, sacrifices and other things and in the end he sailed anyway.

O holy obedience! What will I do now? 

To go on trusting and waiting on Our Lord, to redouble my prayers and, with eyes fixed on high, to wait with joy and to suffer everything for love. Yesterday morning (the 21st), soon after Holy Communion, I said to Jesus: 

I offer myself to You for everything. (...) my Jesus, what I want, my Jesus, and I promise to make every effort, is to do everything with the highest possible degree of perfection, and to love You with all the love of which my heart is capable.

I wait on You alone. 

That afternoon, I knew the hour and all the details of the departure of my dear spiritual father, and his embarkation onto the steamer.  

I still wished to be strong, to hide my tears, and I managed to do so for a short while. I stifled the sighs; nobody heard them; but then the tears rolled down my face for some hours, but with all serenity and peace. (...) I offered them to Jesus, and for everything I blessed Him and praised Him.  

And I told Him that, as I had promised, that even if my spiritual father did not go to Brazil, my lips would not utter a word of either rejoicing or satisfaction. I also promised, if He helped me with His grace, not to say a word against those who had forced him to go, and who caused me so much suffering.  On this point, my Jesus, I want my lips to be sealed, so that they do not say anything.  

This was my Gethsemane (when reliving the Passion, in intimate form, vide Ch 11). And it was more than simply a little painful (...)

Without thinking of this, I had a vision of a soul. In front of me a very white hand blessed me many times. I felt a union in my soul that left it stronger.  

After receiving my Jesus, I made a short thanksgiving, because I did not have strength for more.  

I had next to me a book that I had asked for some days before. I had already marked the Te Deum, to read as thanksgiving as soon as I knew that my spiritual father had not started. I did not want to put it aside without reading the Te Deum as a thanksgiving to Our Lord for having assented in the order of expulsion which had been carried out. It thus seemed me to give to more consolation to Jesus: to bless Him in pain as in the joy. S (22-2-46)


Pour toute demande de renseignements, pour tout témoignage ou toute suggestion,
veuillez adresser vos courriers à